A Long Week (and a Long Post...)

They (whoever "they" are) say that hindsight is 20/20. I also know that some lessons in life are harder to learn than others. I feel like God has been working me over this week. After a week full of Ken suffering with something going on with his neck, no shows for a closet installation, colds and other frustrations, I was surprised that the daily things were really frustrating me and I found myself on edge. I realized that being skipped for our LOA really had effected more than I realized. Then I found out that someone who had been logged in with us got their TA and are leaving next week, all while we haven't even gotten our LOA yet (don't think Tonya that I'm not happy for you - I really am! I just really wanted to be traveling with you :) ) So, I found myself, "Ms. Stable", on the verge of a breakdown. Little stuff was bothering me, stuff that normally doesn't get me worked up. It has forced me to face the ugly truth - I really like being in control. I"m fine as long as things are rolling along as they are supposed to. I can even be flexible as long as it isn't something that is terribly important to me, say, like the health of my youngest child.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. Our class is combined with another class for Sunday school and they happened to be studying Zechariah. I'm grumpy because I've had to get 4 kids to church by myself, I've been gone for 2 Sundays and I know that everyone is going to ask about our adoption and if we've heard anything and knowing that I get to do nursery by myself. Yes, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. So it took awhile for God to break through. But finally He did and when I left that class, I knew why we haven't traveled yet for Caleb, even though it isn't fair and doesn't make sense.
Zechariah 4:6 says "...Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord." God was telling Zechariah that Zerubbabel would rebuild the temple with a group of unskilled, poor folks who were not huge in number. In other words, everyone would know that it was only God who could have accomplished such a feat. Then the light bulb came on. We were never really stretched when it came to Sarah's adoption. Sure we had a few frustrations with incompetent government people (no this is not a blanket statement - my dad is retired from the fed govt!) but overall, we never really had to dig very deep. The reality is, while 5 kids is a bunch, we have lots of support, the financial means and overall, we could "do" this on our own (even if the initial idea wasn't ours :) ). I think that God wants us and others to look at Caleb being brought home (and kept safe until then) as something that only He could do. Not by might (determination), nor by power (financial ability) but by His Spirit says the Lord. Caleb will come home and God will do it. And when Caleb hears the story of how he found his forever family, there will be no doubt in his mind that God had his hand on this all along.
I still ache to hold my little boy. I still pray for his health to hold up until we can bring him home and get him the medical attention he needs and deserves. But I am not as frantic about it. I am confident that God is using this process and Caleb's little life to be honored. That He is wanting our story to be one that others hear and know that it wasn't us, but God. I am humbled that He would chose to use us this way and it has given me a renewed sense of peace.
So, I ask that you pray for us to glorify God in this process. Continue to pray for Caleb's health and for all the details of travel to fall together. My heart's desire is still to have him in our arms on his birthday (Sept 8). Yet I know that God has a plan and I want to graciously be part of that, not doing it kicking and screaming.